Break ups and mobile phones

Having had a stressful time recently with lots of good and really bad stuff going on, I have been enjoying long walks.

One day,  while taking such a walk with my dog, looking at the beautiful view a

nd the calm sea, it hit me!

It just popped to my head like a volcano erupting and everything . became so simplified at last! Having had my fair share of relationships, I realised relationships are commonly like mobile phone contracts.

Say what????

Absolutely! Just think about how similarly they work. You get approached by the company which offers so much. You think oh my this sounds so good just think of all these services I will be enjoying....

As soon as you sign the contract committing to it, in all good faith BOOM! Secret charges, bad signal, extra costs and so on... The relationship with the company is nothing like you though, the service is crap, you are not getting your money's worth and what once sounded like a promising deal, is instead pure disappointment where you do not get what you were promised...

So I thought... how is this so different than a disappointing relationship? The other person always seems more promising than they are, promising so much, you think 'oh this is it, finally a normal person I can count on' only to end up like a bad mobile phone contract. The only difference being of course....you are not emotionally attached to the contract.....

.

photo source: 

https://www.google.co.uk/search?biw=1536&bih=747&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=vTqZW5bHMaeSrgTQlIXoBw&q=contracts&oq=contracts&gs_l=img.3..0l10.101478.102599.0.102757.9.9.0.0.0.0.147.927.6j3.9.0....0...1c.1.64.img..0.9.925...35i39k1j0i67k1.0.GFify_gUWtM#imgdii=-m6zdjRLMWZNNM:&imgrc=jJsjZ3rI24MPtM:

https://www.google.co.uk/search?biw=1536&bih=747&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=sTqZW-WXN4ewrgSt_r_QDA&q=break+up&oq=break+up&gs_l=img.3..0i10k1j0l7j0i10k1j0.8578.9675.0.9950.8.8.0.0.0.0.110.579.4j2.6.0....0...1c.1.64.img..2.6.576...35i39k1j0i67k1.0.BzmvJ3RykVY#imgrc=GUBg_0RgS3l3pM:

Alone?

Have you ever considered if we are alone?
Not in the literal sense of course but on an emotional and practical level.
There is always the love of the mother and dear friends and maybe a caring partner - you may ask though well what else do you need?

I would say a mother has instinct to protect her child- it is in our nature. But have you ever wondered if the relationships we create with others are true and genuine or are they as good as long as they fulfil the needs of others?

Let me explain. We have all at some point in our life encountered that one friend who always calls and sends texts always asking what the plan is for Friday night and as soon as the find a new partner they vanish only to remember you when they are single again.

Now, this person obviously has as a priority the partner but it doesn't necessarily mean when they are single they are not a good friend. So you may ask so how does that make them a good friend when they are there only when they are single? What if they are as good a friend as their needs benefit them at that giving moment? In other words their actions are driven by fulfilling their own needs rather than principals and moral e.g.: loyalty to friends.

Another example as mentioned at the beginning is that of a caring partner. Now we see so many wonderful relationships- the kind that remind you of fairy tales- go to hell after a few years. Of course this could be a result of how each individual evolves through time which makes them a changed person. It could also mean like in the example of the friends that the partner is fulfilling their own needs at that given time. For example, how can it be that people who are generous and understanding at the beginning of relationships admiring their new partner may come to change towards them later?

Could it be that it is not the personalities have evolved but individuals have different needs later on and are not so much in need of emotional attachment of even love? If we take people for granted which is very common I think, than our need to give back may not be so strong maybe?

Of course these are just thoughts but having 'played back' recently the last couple of decades it made me think of relationships and how truly alone we are. If you lucky enough loyalty and priority will describe your relationship with friends and partners. While kind of evaluating my relationships, I have come to think not only how many friends I have that lasted through time but also think back to my romantic relationships.

What I have come to realise is that yes I do recall very happy moments, some of which very rarely someone experiences and many moments with groups of friends which will always make me smile especially while studying.
I do though realise something which I think is devastating if it occurs-that no person and no relationship tends to be such that suggests you are not alone. Although this is not a rule rather than a personal observation, so please do not take it as a firm belief about everyone. As far as my life is concerned after great thinking and realisation the past couple of years I have come to believe one is always alone. No one will ever put your needs as a priority or go out of their way for you if it means it will bring them inconvenience.

It seems as if relationships succeed because the people involved have such emotional needs that they are fulfilled by each other and that is why they last. As soon as people come to get satisfaction of fulfilment by other other things or people they tend to make you less important in their lives.
Let me suggest an example of a man or woman who get great attention from the opposite sex do you think they will be more giving to a new partner than if they were not so popular?

People who are single in their 30's tend to get a little freaked out if they are still single,  many of my acquaintances included, as I hear all their friends are married with children and they are suddenly are alone left with no company. Even best friends seem to lose touch after they have a family. Now although a family takes up so much time isn't interesting how they some times completely lose touch? So I have come to realise that all our relationships as adults are based simply in fulfilling needs. When those needs do not exist any more or more important ones are fulfilled this tends to drive maybe the relationship to an end.

Think of another example of a gorgeous woman or a really handsome man being seen as a divine creature by their new partner (and I would say exceptionally as such by a  partner who had never been popular with the opposite sex). Imagine now a year or two pass but this appreciation of beauty is not present any more. I think you might have seen this before especially in people cheating on their better looking other half - usually with a less attractive individual. We do think why? his wife or her husband are so good looking?

Maybe their need of winning over someone as good looking or better looking than themselves has been fulfilled and they feel better about themselves therefore they do not have that need any more. So as soon as their need is over so is the way they are with their partner.

So thinking back I tried to remember of any one in my life that I can say had been 'true' lets say to their relationship to me.  I will not say more about that but I will say this, I have come to believe that we are truly alone. I don't seem to think that any person will ever do something if it means making them a little uncomfortable or will go out of their way for another person's needs. It does not mean they necessarily deceive you when saying their your friends. But I do believe it is their needs at that time that make them be who they are with you.


picture source: pink floyd 'the wall'

over

Have you ever wondered what and if there is a definite moment that you realise something is over?
I have always thought there is one specific second when it becomes apparent inside you and you just know.

Do we though often choose to turn a blind eye and ignore our gut? If you consider
personal relationships it may be twice as hard to just shut the door behind you, opposed to say, an unfulfilling job.

I often think of people who turn a blind eye do so because they cannot accept something. Quite often people cannot accept that something has ended that wasn't a decision they made themselves, so maybe feelings of lost control could be difficult for them to accept.

Ofcourse as always, we have the psycho (my favourite type) which goes mental (see gone girl), all the drama comes out and his or her inner demons come to life running around wildly, uncontrollably seeking for reverge as we have seen in extreme cases of burned houses, cars etc,

Too often it is common that you don't see things.
Im a firm believer in signs-not in the supernatural way but in terms of the persons behaviour. At some point something will come out giving you a clue-if you look carefully and don't ignore it you may be able to identify patterns or figure the person out.

If you are in love for example, the same things that would make you tell a friend to run as far as possible,  may seem small when they happen to you if you ignore or diminish the importance of those signs by making excusses and considering things are less important than they are is a very common strategy.

But even so, do we have the ability to understand and accept in one certain moment something to be over or are we created in such a way that we are unable to see it? Does it depend on the situation? on the partner? our personal needs at the time for emotional fullfilment?

I have often found trouble understanding the type of mariages or relationships for that matter that go on and on, simply lead by the fear of people who are too shit scared to be along. There is no greater loneliness than to be with someone leading their life like you don't exist.

All relationships romantic or not hurt when over although the person choosing to end it isn't always the bad guy. Friendships are not easier to end than a romantic relationship - it just is made up of a different kind of pain or biterness.
It is usually hard to say that it is over and cut a friend or lover out of your life but does that mean we do not realise a specific moment that makes the end clear to understand?

Denial ofcourse plays a part-realising but not accepting. But what about the rest of us-the ones who like to deal with stuff? Is it identifyable? An invisible line which we cross when things are over?

You could say relationships go through phases, ups and downs. There is no black and white in personal relationships as we are human and have emontions (or at least some of us do).
Many ends come through a gradual process of 'emotion decay'. Now why I use this term? Well, usually begginings reseble heavenly feelings, where the beggining of a romance or even new friendships fills us with so many beautiful things resembling flower buds. It seems though not all flowers are capable to survive or have the same life span. Some are more sensitive and some are not, reaching the stage where they become dry, old and die. This to me is something similar to human relationships. Which some people I think of as cacti-hurting everyone around them and surviving no matter the weather conditions :)


What is of wonder though is, in this process of relationships slowly dying, lacking the care initially offered so freely, is there a definite moment or an invisible line if you like that it clicks that it is over or going towards that direction?

It is very possible as we human beings are so diferent to each other and according the time and situation we are in, that this could vary..... or do we just ignore it?

I once read something like: 'sometimes its harder holding on than to let go' with a picture of a hand being bloody by holding on to a rope. Although I absolutely agree that this happens, I cannot ignore the fact that we as humans, are weak beings. This is why strength is greatly admired. So I'm thinking, as a final thought, does it take strength, to be able to see that line clearly, or does it take more strength to see the line and learn to live with it inside you........      




photo source: http://giphy.com/gifs/school-pike-criticism-DYxcY4l3xdYv6

Denial-killing you softly

I once knew a mother that had a teenage daughter.
For four years the girl's private tutor on a number of occasions expressed there may be a learning
issue of some sort, as the girl could not memorise or learn new stuff easily regarding her language lesson. After four and a half years the  mother decided to take her to a professional whom expressed the same view, that the girl had learning difficulties, at that point aged 16.

The mother after a short shock (lasting only a few days), was asked by the tutor why wouldn't she get help from a professional specializing in such cases. Her response was ' who wants to mess around with psychologists'.......

A  few days, the mother came to ask the tutor how her daughter which as she said ' just would not sit down and study' could go abroad and study in a foreign university, like she there was no issue.

Now what you may ask is: so what?
The answer is that the mother could not accept her child had any sort of learning disability, was in denial and pretended the girl was just not bothered (in the mothers words) just not paid attention, that's why she was not doing well at school.

The mother never acepted the problem her daughter had and acted as she was never told so, by any professional either. Even though the girl had difficulties succeeding in school in her native language,  the mother wanted to send her off to do a foreign uni to study, clearly showing the complete denial she was in about her child having issues with learning.
The worst part was the mother worked as a nurse which is actually an irony as they are supposed to have a greater understanding for any type of disability or special care.

Today, the daughter is studying in a private institution as she completely failed any school exams. To this day the mother never accepted her daughter needed help. To the contrary she keeps saying her daughter is not doing well because she just does not study and does not accept she has a learning difficulty because of some sort of issue in memorising new information.

This story is a perfect example of how people deal or rather refuse to deal with issues they cannot accept. Denial is one of the most common practises I have encountered in my social life throughout the years. Although this may be an infuriating example as the mother's denial had damaged the future of her daughter as she is now too old to be taught of a different way to take in information this is more common than we believe.

Denial comes in many forms like loss. Losing a loved one by death or break up are quite common. Although death is something people come to accept, break ups are not as simple as it involves an emotional distance between two people usually unable to accept the other person has 'abandoned them'.

Denial comes in other forms as well. Denial can include the inability to accept our faults but apparently-it can act as a defense mechanism as explained by
Ajit Varki in the book: Denial: self-deception. False beliefs and the origins of the human mind.

I have encountered many instances where it is highly linked with passive aggressiveness although not sure if this is actually shown to be scientifically proven so maybe just a coincidence. What I have though seen and can comment on in how people in denial cannot simply face what they don't want to see. Nope my husband isn't cheating, so instead of accepting it I will stop talking to you 'cause you are the &*%^^ in the whole story for telling me-not my husband-oh this is so classic of people in denial.

They will hate you for telling them someone else or even they themselves are causing harm rather than blame the one responsible or do something about it.
I often put this in words in the following dialogue, as they usually don't do anything to correct the situation (imagine in a whiney voice) :

'I't's cold'
'Wear your coat'
'I'm cold'

So you see, people in denial do not want to see to the truth-they are much different to the dumb asses that can't see it-they are just stupid. People in denial aren't stupid-just can't accept things that get them out of their comfort zone. I once read something very accurate : comfort zones are wonderful places-but they don't get you anywhere! And with this though I'm going to leave you.....
 

  

Advertising and ethics - inseparable?

There have been many debates in the past about ethics in advertising.
Academics and social scientists against practitioners, supporting how advertising is promoting harmful images,  advertisers supporting they are just doing their job and so on....




Jean Kilbourne once said that it isn't so much about advertising intending to harm, but rather in order to succeed in its task, it inevitably does so.
I recently had a thought.


Is it an issue whether an advert is harmful or unethical or not, or is it rather that it is inevitable to have advertising-in any form, without ethical issues being implicated?




Now, the most amusing thing you-and any consumer can respond to an advertiser or advertising is:
'I'm not influenced by it' or 'no-one can make me buy things if I don't want to'.
That is the very first instant advertisers have succeeded.
Advertising does not work like when your mum told you to do things when you were young: 'you have to eat this'!


Advertising instead tries to achieve its goals by a not so direct manner, by creating needs.
 Advertising does not come straight to your face saying: 'buy this' it does not order you to do anything.

What on earth do I mean? Ok, let's think of some examples.

Research has shown in the past that the images in advertising as well as the slogans, create powerful messages.

The purpose is to create 'needs', 'ideals' even substitutes.

Substitutes for love, happiness , relationships, etc.

Have you ever considered how an advertisement for a chocolate includes sexy images rather than a dentist, diabetics or even overweight individuals which are common outcomes?

Chocolate is more likely to make you fat rather than attractive.

The same story is repeated in other instances like burgers like the following advert:

I'm sorry but I haven't seen any woman who looks like this at any burger house - probably- and I know this will shock you-models don't eat in places like this!

Not to mention eating her burger like this. This is a perfect example of how images are linked to the product or even service. Not to mention the other ethical issues, such as the sexual -not so subtle-element of the picture on the bottom right with the woman's mouth half open (of course the red lipstick which is a highly sexual color) and the snack approaching the mouth, at the shape of a ... guess what.....grrrr!

Many years back, in the 80's, a young lady, only 15 years of age was casted to take part in a Calvin Klein  advert. This you lady was Brook Shields. Now...the advert raised some serious ethical concerns. Not only because of the way the camera showed and focused on the body but because this teenage girl was depicted as a sexual object-made to look like a grown woman and focusing on her buttocks.
 Now you say ok so what? How is this considered unethical? Distasteful or wrong maybe but unethical? Well just imagine you have a 15 year old daughter....behaving like that and looking like that in any other place-or being friends with another girl who is like that and wants to copy her....




Now my favorite shitty advert.
Black opium perfume. Isn't it a f*&*%%# treat!
Girl gets up in the middle of the night alone rushing through the streets obviously looking for someone or something,  to finally get to a guy's apartment where he puts his arms around her and she searches his back pockets until she manages to find 'black opium' (get it) sprays it on and as soon as she does, sighs in relief-just like a junky getting the his hands on his 'opium'.
If you replace the perfume bottle at the end of the advert with a 'fix' you could summarize' requiem for a dream-have you seen the film? Didn't end so well. For anyone!
You know, the film with junkies, really good soundtrack...So what is unethical about that you might say? Oh not much just trying to make a perfume seem so important that it acts in a way that drugs to for junkies-gives that so good feeling-making a perfume look addictive- a perfume! Wow imagine life without it-what would we become without this so important liquid! Can't even imagine....




Now, an advertising team would say this is creative-yes, so?
Let me tell you art has shown some pretty harmful shit in the past.
Just type nazi propaganda in google search and see how many 'artsy' fartsy images you get.
Besides, art is a fluid concept... An image is so strong that could work even before you start thinking about stuff.


For the 'I don't get influenced' people just think- someone tries to sell you a product by 2 different companies. One company you see advertised all the time-the other never- you haven't tried either before-which do you choose and why?




At 6 months babies can identify corporate logos (Jean Kilbourne) and apparently that is the age we are started to get targeted by companies now. Now if that is not brainwashing what is? So of course at 30 you think you 'are not influenced'.
 


Cosmetics-how many of you ladies bought that mascara you saw advertised because it gives x times longer - as shown- eyelashes......
Not to mention you gentlemen thinking the Marlboro man looks so manly...let me tell you - he can't have looked that manly in hospital dying of cancer....think about it!




Of course you are not going to see cancer in the advert-or chemotherapy or even the funeral service! You will see whatever image they want to attach the product to, to make the target group buy it! Why? because they link the image to the product-the image they want to adopt.
After the war smoking was considered so glamourous and even when the studies showed how harmful it was, the adverts kept on trying to show it is sooo damn fabulous:




Just like it says, made for women, beautiful and sweet-and what more beautiful than that sweet smoking cough and ashtray breath-what is more delicate, feminine and ladylike than to stink of cigarettes.
Of course you say but how is that unethical? Well it is misleading..... it promotes something harmful as beautiful....trying to promote an image far from reality.....linking it to positive images.  Now don't forget children or teenagers are also targeted in advertising to create future customers....


 But it works right?
Doesn't she look attractive? Just don't sit next to her cause you will stink as well.




Now, what about men with cars......Women love these. Well not the clever ones.
The validation of having a big car, possibly as a compensation to having something very small, maybe, just saying!
Now, again we have the more feminine cars and the more 'manly' cars.

Now I'm sorry gentlemen but you will still need whatever you have in your pants-cars don't make up for your size you know! Usually I think women do think size matters - and they don't mean that of your car, but the one you have in your paaaants! Can't put your car in every place now can you?


But look at this car advert-never mind the small print-it is slick, powerful-catches your eye and so on. Makes you feel like you need it cause it will make you look so good that panties will instantly drop (flup).
So the consumer starts to feel once he has that, he will also be like that...nope...nope you won't.


Now again-how is this unethical? The advert doesn't try to make you buy it right? It doesn't have the words you need to buy it.


So let's just say, it tries to make you feel that IF you buy this, you will have certain benefits. What is wrong with that? None of those it is promoting in its image, has to do with safe driving! Not to mention trying to promote how it will improve your image and make you look good trying to make personality less important, your looks or qualities. Of course if you are an asshole it might-but again - it will not compensate!




The issue isn't though whether an advert is or not unethical - the issue is could you have an advert-one fulfilling its purpose that is-without it being unethical?
Will you sell burgers if you showed heart attacks? Nope you won't and last time I checked you can't have burgers while sliming down-at least not the ones in Mc Donald's-you know that plastic stuff they pretend its meat?




Would you sell as many cosmetics if most (I know there are a few exceptions now-just a strategyyy don't be fooled my dear) anti-wrinkle creams would be sold by women who actually have fucking wrinkles-usually over 30-with children, busting their arse all day to make it.


Of course not! Why? because the 20 year old will sell better -cause she doesn't have wrinkles-she hasn't even got wisdom teeth yet, never mind wrinkles!
Would you buy a cream even if it truthfully showed improvement? No! Why? Because the 20 year old makes you deny truth - pretend you could get to that. It's like with women in denial with their cheating husbands. Its like people being in denial of what they don't want to believe so just pretend it doesn't exist....




So you see, advertisements cannot sell things if they show the true picture or just confine their message to simple information for what they are selling. In order to make you buy it-they will show you what you want to see and that is-nothing unpleasant.....




sources:
http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=burger+advertising&view=detailv2&&id=73E2D78E8D49B0DD3D1F8F306A22F518800F35E6&selectedIndex=9&ccid=LaD93vIW&simid=608026357815708788&thid=OIP.M2da0fddef216b7845e77ef5546f35ac7o0&ajaxhist=0


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_tom65LKiE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gA_ow1ZzdLo